I would like to take a break from the chronicles of my winter break to write about some deeper thoughts that I am compelled to share. I am not used to sharing these types of ideas or pondering that I have... so please bear with me as I struggle through learning how to express myself and making sense of everything that has been on my heart.
As many of you know I have not been super pleased with the way our great adventure to Illinois has turned out. To put it bluntly I have been bitter, frustrated, closed-minded, irritated, not patient, and just generally self-absorbed about the whole situation. As we left Oregon I was distracted by the excitement of a cross country road trip. Once we landed in Carbondale, however, my attitude quickly went south. I have struggled with many issues such as identity, life goals, life purpose, identity, who I am, identity, who do I want to be...you know all the stuff most people experience as they transition from one point in their life to the next. I was very arrogant to think that I was above this sort of dilema. I truly believed that I had everything figured out and I was so ready for whatever life threw my way. Well as it turns out I don't have much figured out at all. It has taken me almost 9 months for God to get through to me, and I am re-discovering who I am and it is great.
Let me back up a bit though to the self-wallowing part because I'm not quite through with that. I was a mess the first six weeks of being here. Since I didn't have a job I felt worthless. This was soon distracted by waitressing and the many long and late nights of working at the bar. I was content for a time, but felt like something just wasn't quite right. I decided that Chris couldn't have all the fun of going back to school so I applied and got accepted for the grad program. For awhile I was really excited that I had it all figured out again - I was going to be a grad student wonder woman. I was going to go to grad school, work at the bar, work my grad assistantship, be the best wife ever, and workout all the time. Hahahahahaha!
When fall approached and school started it was suggested that I resign from my waitressing position since it would be somewhat of a conflict of interest to serve alcohol to student-athletes on the weekend then try to be their academic counselor during the week. This makes complete sense, but at the time I was a bit devastated. The people I worked with there were some of my only friends in Carbondale and I knew if I didn't work there anymore that I would not hang out with them and I would go back to being really lonely. I understand now why things happened the way they did. God had such bigger plans for me and I just couldn't see them at the time. I became even more bitter and as the semester went on I struggled through many emotional ups and downs.
Basically I was mad. I was mad that we were in a town that I hated, I was mad that I was forced to move away from my family and friends, I was mad that I wasn't in control, I felt like I was wasting my time, and I was just basically mad at life. Every day I would become more and more anxious - I would dream of all the "cool" things I could be doing with my life. I wanted nothing to do with the town of Carbondale or SIU. That bitterness and hate in my heart spread and by the end of the semester I was a miserable wreck. I took most of these emotions out on my workouts - which in itself became a huge mind game. I wrestled with body image issues, athletic identity issues, and constantly wondered what the purpose of spending hours in the gym were. I also started closing myself off. I slowly started isolating myself and it was longer and longer between talks with family and friends back home.
You may be wondering how Chris fits into this whole situation. To say the least it was really tough for him to watch me struggle through these things. I thank God on a daily basis for him and his never ever ever ending love and support. I think in the 9 months of me complaining and whining he only blew up at me one time. He is an incredible listener with the biggest heart I have ever met. I know my mood swings and bipolar tendencies wore on him and frustrated him, but he took it like a champ and loved me just the same through it all. He was my rock and without him I would not have made it.
So back to the story...There were two other people in my life here that have done more for me than they could ever realize. My co-workers Liz and Connor. Liz is one of the most generous, thoughtful, and hardworking gals I know. She is so encouraging and such a great friend. When anyone is around Connor they have no choice but to get an attitude check. When I would come in all sorry for myself and down, he would be obnoxiously positive and it wore off. They have been a wonderful comfort...but I still needed to deal with the deeper issues.
A few weeks before it was time to leave for winter break I was at my worst. I went for a run one day and made it five minutes before I broke down in tears. I kept imagining going home for break then having to say the dreaded goodbye. I literally had a full blown panic attack when I imagined the Portland airport. My anxiety was at an all time high and I almost didn't want to go home. The Lord is so much bigger than that, I didn't realize it but he was preparing my heart. Into the story comes John - the extremely funny marketing guy from down the hall. He tells me about this church that him and his new wife, Hannah, have been attending for a few years. Now my beef with church could take up an entire blog post so I won't get into that now, but needless to say I was a bit hesitant and Chris was at a full-blown no. Next comes Ben - a freshman golfer that I had been meeting with all semester for academics. He mentions the church to me as well and by this time my interest has peaked.
I was so hungry for something positive, and I was so lonely that I thought it couldn't hurt. Chris was not pleased by the idea, but wanted to support me so we went. Then we went again. Then John and Hannah invited us to dinner and we had a wonderful time, LIz and Mitch hung out with us and we had a wonderful time, we had a Christmas party and had a wonderful time....all the sudden I was having a wonderful time. The week before leaving for Oregon we had some sort of social event every night. Wait what? Carbondale can be fun? I can have fun in S. Illinois? What is this?!
Then winter break happened and holy smokes I don't think I have had two weeks of more love in my whole life. Every single moment with every single person was so precious to me. I didn't take one second for granted and I enjoyed every day to the best of my ability. I was able to spend so much quality time with every member in my family and with my closest friends. Those two weeks will be something that I never forget and always cherish.
A very defining moment for me personally during the break were a few talks I had with my mom. Most all of you know my mom, and if you don't you are missing out. This lady is one of the smartest, most talented, most caring, most passionate, most "insert characteristic here"person you will ever meet. She never ceases to amaze me and I inspire to someday have the insight to life she has. She is shining with God's love and grace and I think she prays more in a day than I do in a year. Anyway, it was during these talks that I began to realize a whole side of life I am missing out on.
I have been so focused on myself and what I want in that particular moment that I have lost sight of the bigger picture. I have been struggling with "my identity" and "who I am." Well the truth is it isn't about me and never will be. There is such a bigger purpose to life than a title I posses and introduce myself with. That bigger purpose is God's love. Not only experiencing God's love but living and showing God's love. It shouldn't matter if I live in Carbondale, Illinois or Portland, Oregon, or Antartica for that matter! What matters is that I am living a life of God's love and that I am sharing that love with those around me.
I now understand that I didn't move to Illinois to pursue a degree (in an education system that I don't agree with). I didn't move here to add to my resume as a stepping stone to my next big career. God moved me here to teach me a lesson. He knew that if I was with my family and close friends...in my comfort zone...that I would never seek him. I would have lived the rest of my life content with how I was living. He had to move me 2,000 miles away to learn that it isn't about me or what I want. (Haha I tend to be an extreme type of person so this really isn't that surprising now that I think about it - Point for you God) It is about living through him and his purpose. I need to learn to love people no matter who they are, what they believe, or how they live their life. and not just fake christian love them - but truly love them the way Jesus does.
Ever since I decided to let my selfishness go and be at peace with moving to Illinois the floodgates of blessings have opened up. Not blessings that can be counted in our earthly world, but blessings of the heart. My marriage and relationship with Chris has literally never been better than these past two weeks. The first time we went back to our church after being gone a lady pulled up next to us in her white mini van screaming "Chris Roth!" As it turns out Bob and Audrey's really good friends just moved to Carbondale in August from the west coast and we are set to go to their house for dinner in the next few weeks. Also that same day a young couple, Mike and Laura, introduced themselves as one of the associate pastors and wife and we are to have lunch with them next week. Don't worry it gets even better! The new graduate assistant that is taking Connor's position also goes to that church and we will now be working together. The second sunday we went back her husband approached us and introduced himself (also an associate pastor). We have basically been flooded with love and acceptance from those around us. It is like God is saying "see Rachel I did have a plan! You need to be more freaking patient and let me do my thing!" my response "Touche God, touche."
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